"Uh, Spock? I thought this was a one-way mirror? I'm pretty sure he can see me."
FADE IN: EXT. STRANGE ALIEN PLANET CHRIS PINE and KARL URBAN are being chased by a gang of COCAINE-SKINNED ALIENS. CHRIS runs into a TAUNTAUN and SHOOTS IT in the FACE. KARL URBAN Great, you just shot our getaway vehicle, genius. CHRIS PINE Since we presumably rode here on it you’d think I’d know not to shoot it. Maybe we should just explain to the aliens that we’re trying to save them from that huge volcano that’s about to vomit lava all over everything? KARL URBAN No way. The Prime Directive states we can’t interfere with a primitive culture. Unless they have something we want. The fountain of youth, for instance. The aliens didn’t see your face, did they? CHRIS PINE No. (uncovers face) There, that’s better. Oh look, a cliff. I’d love to hang off of that. KARL URBAN Maybe next time. Jump! CHRIS and KARL jump into the ocean and swim to the submerged USS ENTERPRISE. CHRIS PINE Why the hell is the ship under water? JOHN CHO To hide it from the aliens. I'm sure they didn't notice the huge fucking space ship landing in their ocean and displacing 7 billion tons of water. CHRIS PINE Yes, much less risky than simply parking in orbit. So where’s my Vulcan bro Zack? ZACHARY QUINTO (inside volcano) I’m trying to kill the volcano with this cold fusion device before it blows up the entire planet. As you can imagine, this mission is kind of personal to me. CHRIS PINE Uh, Zach? You do realize “cold fusion” does the exact opposite of making things cold, right? And why are you in the volcano in the first place? Couldn't we have just beamed the device down there instead? ZACHARY QUINTO The volcano is creating a wave of bullshit that's stopping us from using our transporter, except for when it isn't. And we couldn't just drop the bomb inside the volcano because... wait, why couldn't we do that again? ZOE SALDANA Oh no! Zachary’s trapped inside the volcano and we can’t beam him out without exposing the Enterprise to the aliens! ANTON YELCHIN But didn’t I beam two guys up while free falling in the last movie? SIMON PEGG And didn’t I beam two guys onto the ship halfway across the universe while going faster than light? CHRIS PINE Stop remembering things from the previous movie! The only way to save Zachary is by flying over the volcano! ZACHARY QUINTO But you’ll be breaking the Prime Directive! It’s the most prime of directives! CHRIS PINE But isn't you trying to stop the volcano from blowing up in itself breaking the Prime Directive? I can't tell what's bigger, my libido or your hypocrisy. THE ENTERPRISE rises up out of the ocean to rescue ZACHARY, who turns the volcano into a gigantic McFLURRY. INT. STARFLEET COMMAND - EARTH CHRIS and ZACHARY are getting CHEWED OUT by their superior BRUCE GREENWOOD. BRUCE GREENWOOD Chris, Zachary ratted you out. For breaking the Prime Directive your ass is officially shitcanned. CHRIS PINE The fuck, Zach?! I thought we were bros! I saved your life and this is the thanks I get? ZACHARY QUINTO You shouldn’t have talked shit about my bangs. Plus you were listening to Fatboy Slim a minute ago so you kind of had it coming. BRUCE GREENWOOD That's right Chris, I'm captain of the Enterprise again and I'm busting your ass back down to a cadet in order to teach you that being a cocky dick-nose doesn't pay off. (pause) On second thought I'm making you my first officer in order to teach you that being a cocky dick-nose most certainly does pay off. CHRIS PINE COOL! So if you die I’m back to being captain again, right? BRUCE GREENWOOD Yup. Why do you ask? CHRIS PINE (gets fitted for a new captain’s uniform) No reason. INT. STARFLEET BUILDING CHRIS, BRUCE, ZACHARY and every other important member of STARFLEET including ADMIRAL PETER WELLER gathers in a SMALL ROOM with huge FLOOR TO CEILING WINDOWS and NO SECURITY. PETER WELLER (opens blinds) Ah, that’s better. We can’t possibly conduct this meeting in a fortified room that isn’t completely exposed to an outside attack. Now as you all know, a library on planet London was bombed by one of our own officers, Benedict Cumberbatch. CHRIS PINE My keen douche-sense tells me the bombing was just a ploy to get us all in the same room! BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH appears in a FIAT with WINGS and shoots THE FUCK out of the room and mortally wounds BRUCE. ZACHARY QUINTO Hey Bruce, mind if I mind-rape you before you croak? Beep one time for yes and two times for no. BRUCE GREENWOOD (beep) (beep) ZACHARY QUINTO Yes yes? All-right! (does mind-meld) BRUCE GREENWOOD (croaks) CHRIS PINE Man I suck at having father figures. INT. ANOTHER STARFLEET BUILDING SIMON PEGG Benedict used my magic beaming trick from the last movie to teleport a billion miles away to the Klingon homeworld. ZACHARY QUINTO You mean the same magic beaming trick that couldn’t beam me out of a fucking volcano? The same beaming trick we will not even consider using to teleport to the Klingon homeworld and go after Benedict with? SIMON PEGG The very same one! CHRIS PINE Peter! Let me go after Benedict so I can murder the shit out of him! PETER WELLER No. (pause) Okay. But if you get caught it will trigger a war with the Klingons, so be sure to take these new extra explody and totally not suspicious at all torpedoes with you. SIMON PEGG I don’t like the look of these torpedoes! I quit! CHRIS PINE Fine! But you better not show back up at a crucial moment to save my ass! SIMON PEGG I won’t! (fucks off) CHRIS PINE Hey Russian kid, you’re my new engine fixer, even though you're barely qualified to manage an Arby's let alone a starship engine. ANTON YELCHIN I get a promotion? Sweet! Hold on, does this mean I’m going to disappear for long periods of time and pop up only to spout indecipherable techno babble? CHRIS PINE Pretty much. It’s not like you’re anybody’s favorite character anyway. That goes double for you, Cho. ALICE EVE Hey Chris. I’m your new sexy and mysterious crewmember. Would you like to see my credentials? CHRIS PINE Of course I would! I’m guessing they’re a size C? THE ENTERPRISE goes to warp and leaves behind a trail of SMURF TURDS. EXT. KLINGON SPACE The ENTERPRISE suddenly breaks down within SHUTTLE RANGE of KRONOS, meaning they were roughly ONE POINT THREE SECONDS away from PASTING THE ENTIRE SHIP ACROSS THE PLANET'S SURFACE when they stopped. CHRIS PINE We're still not allowed to use Simon's magic beaming trick for some reason so I'm taking a shuttle down to the Klingon homeworld “Kronos”. TREKKIES But that’s not how it’s spelled! This movie sux! CHRIS PINE Like anybody gives a shit what you neckbeards think. I’m going down to the planet with Zachary and some redshirts. Oh and you too, Zoe. ZOE SALDANA Yes! I actually get to go on a mission and do something useful like all the other boys for a change! CHRIS PINE Not really. You’ll basically spend the whole trip whining about how much you think your boyfriend doesn’t love you, completely ignoring the fact Zachary's an alien whose entire culture is based on suppressing emotion. I mean were you really that surprised? ZOE SALDANA Still, it beats sitting on my ass with a D cell battery jammed in my ear. JOHN CHO And I'll give away our position to the Klingons by broadcasting a hollow threat to Benedict. Yay me! INT. KRONOS CHRIS’S SHUTTLE is chased by KLINGON SHIPS, unless you’re watching this in 3D, in which case a bunch of BLURRY BLOBS chase a bunch of SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT BLURRY BLOBS. CHRIS’S SHUTTLE lands and ZOE goes out to talk to THE KLINGONS, who DO NOT look like cheesy FU MANCHU REJECTS. TREKKIES Argh! These aren’t what the Klingons are supposed to look like! Their foreheads are supposed to be smooth and greasy! Star Trek Enterprise clearly showed that (incessant whining) ZOE approaches THE KLINGONS. ZOE SALDANA Look, guys, you should let us go. KLINGONS Why? ZOE SALDANA Because I have a hot ass. Notice how the camera can’t seem to focus on anything else but it. KLINGONS Well we downloaded The Words and Colombiana on Netflix and we decided you deserve a phaser blast to the face! But BENEDICT jumps in and saves CHRIS'S TEAM by beating THE FUCKING FUCK out of THE KLINGONS, proving once again that THE KLINGONS are NOT NEARLY as BADASS as everyone THINKS they are. To be honest they're kind of PUSSIES. BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH (ominously) Chris, I hear you have 72 mystery torpedoes on your ship. In that case I surrender in accordance with the Joker/Loki/Silva rule of devious supervillainy. CHRIS PINE Great. That means I can proceed to wail on you in accordance with my need to kick your fucking ass! BRAWAWHAHAWAH!!!!!!! CHRIS punches BENEDICT for TWO STRAIGHT HOURS and only manages to mess up BENEDICT’S HAIR ever so slightly. BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH (ominously) Still can’t win a fight, huh? Can we hurry this up? I’m due back on the Sherlock set in an hour. INT. ENTERPRISE BENEDICT is imprisoned inside a GLASS CELL because God knows we haven’t seen THAT before a dozen times in the last 12 MONTHS. BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH (ominously) I am a genetically enhanced super human. After the events of the last movie Starfleet found me and my crew in cryogenic sleep. Peter Weller woke me up and used me to build weapons of mass destruction for him. CHRIS PINE Of course! Who better to develop advanced super technology than a 300 year old popsicle? BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH My real name is (with mouth opened as wide as a human mouth can possibly open) KHAN!!! TREKKIES Nooooooooo!!! He can’t be Khan! He’s white! And English! Instead of a Mexican guy with a thick accent trying to pass as a North Indian Sikh! This isn’t canon! This isn’t canon! THIS ISN’T CANOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!! (head explodes) CASUAL AUDIENCE What the hell is a "Khan"? That's not supposed to mean something, is it? INT. ENTERPRISE - SCIENCY ROOM KARL URBAN Chris, I’ve taken some of Benedict’s blood and discovered it has incredible healing properties so I injected it into this dead Tribble. CHRIS PINE Uh, why, exactly? KARL URBAN Because science. I think Benedict’s blood can regenerate dead tissue. CHRIS PINE So you mean if someone were to, I don’t know, get themselves killed, you could bring them back to life? KARL URBAN Whoa, careful Chris, we don’t want to give the audience too much of a head’s up. CHRIS PINE Well in the meantime we need to open up one of these mystery torpedoes. New girl, what you got? ALICE EVE These torpedoes have only one true weakness: misogyny. So gratuitously stripping down to my underwear should do the trick! IT DOES and the torpedo opens up to reveal A FROZEN SUPERHUMAN! KARL URBAN My God! All 72 torpedoes contain a member of Benedict’s murderous super human crew! CHRIS PINE Huh? Why wouldn’t Peter Weller just kill them instead of risking them escaping or us discovering them? And how are the torpedoes still even explosive? This makes no sense. KARL URBAN Damnit man! I’m an actor not a screenwriter! CHRIS PINE Apparently neither are the actual screenwriters. PETER WELLER shows up in his TRICKED OUT MILITARY STARSHIP OF DOOM in order to REHASH THE CLIMAX of the LAST TWO MOVIES. PETER WELLER So Chris, I see Benedict told you how I planned to use you to start a war with the Klingons. CHRIS PINE Why exactly did you want that again? Seeing as that your ship is the only dedicated warship in our entire fleet we’d get our asses royally handed to us if we went to war right now. PETER WELLER Uh... CHRIS PINE And what about Simon's magic beaming equation? If Benedict could beam all the way from Earth to Kronos surely you could beam a dozen nukes over there and blow the Kilngons straight to hell? PETER WELLER Nuh-uh, Trek lore says you can't beam super explody bombs to people's ships! CHRIS PINE Oh? Would that include the 72 torpedoes we have on our ship? Because if we can beam those then your argument is totally fucked. PETER WELLER (covering ears) NOT LISTENING NOT LISTENING NOT LISTENING!!!!! THE ENTERPRISE escapes into WARP SPEED, but PETER’S SHIP has MAGIC WARP POWERS and catches up and opens a JUMBO SIZED CAN OF WHOOPASS on the ENTERPRISE. INT. ENTERPRISE ANTON YELCHIN Keptin! We’ve been knocked out of warp and have stopped near Earth! CHRIS PINE The hell? We were just in the Klingon’s backyard like 30 seconds ago. How did we get back to Earth so fast? JOHN CHO The same way a "cold fusion" bomb froze a volcano: a lot less "sci" and a fuck load more "fi". PETER continues to shoot up the ENTERPRISE. ALICE EVE Daddy! Stop! If you blow up this ship you will also blow up your own daughter! PETER WELLER Or I could just beam you to my ship. ALICE EVE (face palms) PETER WELLER Wait, did you seriously overlook that? I thought you were a scientist? ALICE EVE If by "scientist" you mean "completely fucking useless", then yeah that's me. (is beamed to PETER’s ship) CHRIS PINE Welp, looks like my cocky douchebaggery finally got my entire crew killed. It’s been an honor boning you. My hot female alien crewmembers, I mean. If only we were saved by a Deus Ex Machina with a Scottish accent. SIMON PEGG Aye captain! I sneaked aboard Peter’s ship and shut it down! CHRIS PINE And you couldn't have done that like 5 minutes ago? You would have saved at least 50 people from being sucked into outer space. SIMON PEGG Oh, like you could have done any better. Who do you think you are? A God? CHRIS PINE My dad was. Our transporter is completely wrecked so I’m coming over there to get you. BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH (ominously) Take me with you. I know that ship better than anyone. CHRIS PINE Okay, but if you try anything I will kick your genetically enhanced balls all the way up to the roof of your genetically enhanced mouth. BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH (ominously) Yes, because that worked out so well last time, champ. CHRIS and BENEDICT dive over to PETER’S SHIP in a redo of the SKYDIVING SCENE from the previous movie, except HORIZONTALLY. ZACHARY QUINTO In the meantime I'll call up my older self for some future spoilers. What can you tell me about Benedict, Leonard? LEONARD NIMOY Why the hell are you wasting your time talking to me on Skype instead of calling Starfleet for backup or warning them about Peter Weller's plan? ZACHARY QUINTO Uh... LEONARD NIMOY Are you going to do this EVERY time you get into trouble? I thought this was a reboot? Shouldn't you be having new and different experiences that would render the future knowledge from my time-line completely useless? ZACHARY QUINTO Well... LEONARD NIMOY Go swallow a knife jackass. (cashes check) (leaves) INT. PETER’S DOOMSDAY SHIP CHRIS and SIMON hang back while BENEDICT turns PETER’S GUARDS into HAMBURGER, unless you’re watching this in 3D, in which case a bunch of BLURRY BLACK THINGS flail around and hit a bunch of SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT BLURRY BLACK THINGS. CHRIS PINE Hey Benedict, if you knew the location of this ship why didn't you use the magic beaming equation to get on it instead of going to Kronos? SIMON PEGG Or why didn't you just sneak aboard it like I did and use it to free your people? BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH (ominously) Because if my plan was simple and straight-forward then I wouldn't be an evil super-villain, now would I? Just ask Peter, he'll back me up on this. CHRIS, SIMON and BENEDICT take control of the ship and CHRIS immediately betrays BENEDICT by STUNNING him. CHRIS PINE Yes Benedict, I shot you even though you were cooperating. You're the dick though. BENEDICT suddenly BEATS THE SHIT out of CHRIS and SIMON, VAGINA-STOMPS ALICE, and HEAD-CRUSHES PETER. BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH (ominously) Holy fuck I am awesome. Hey Zach, give me the 72 torpedoes in exchange for your sorry excuse for a captain. CHRIS, SIMON and ALICE are beamed to ENTERPRISE and the 72 torpedoes are beamed to BENEDICT'S SHIP, instantly proving that beaming a bomb onto a ship or planet is COMPLETELY POSSIBLE AND FUCK WHY DO WE EVEN NEED STARSHIPS IF WE CAN BEAM PEOPLE AND NUCLEAR BOMBS TO OTHER PLANETS ARGH?! So, anyway, ZACHARY detonates the TORPEDOES and it cripples BENEDICT’S SHIP instead of BLOWING IT THE HELL UP for some reason. CHRIS PINE Nice one Zach! Wait, you took Benedict’s guys out of the torpedoes before you sent them over? Why? ZACHARY QUINTO I’m not a murderer. CHRIS PINE But they were all sentenced to death for war crimes! Oh, I guess murder is only necessary when it comes to people who blow up Vulcan or talk shit about your dead mom, is that it? THE ENTERPRISE and BENEDICT’S SHIP are caught in Earth’s gravitational pull and plummet towards THE SURFACE. THE ENTERPRISE loses artificial gravity and CHRIS finally gets to HANG OFF OF SOMETHING even though technically he should be FLOATING. SIMON PEGG The ship is dead! We’re all going to die! CHRIS PINE Not yet! I’ll just go inside the reactor room and punch the ship back to life! SIMON PEGG But the radiation will kill you! Hey, this whole scene feels strangely familiar. Please don't tell me we're lifting Wrath of Khan's ending while also playing musical chairs with the characters. CHRIS PINE Don't be an idiot. Creative genius and franchise savior J.J. Abrams would never let that happen! CO-SCREENWRITER AND PERMANENT SHIT STAIN DAMON LINDELOF But I might! Mhahahahahahaha!!! (uses lazy writing powers) CHRIS goes inside the REACTOR ROOM and DROPKICKS the ship back to life because THAT'S HOW YOU REPAIR COMPLEX MACHINES. ZACHARY QUINTO Chris! You saved us! Now I understand the meaning of friendship, and all it took was for you to get fatally irradiated. CHRIS PINE Good for you. Errk! (dies) ZACHARY QUINTO Cumberbaaaaaaaaaaatch!!!!!!!! BENEDICT 9/11’s his ship into STARFLEET COMMAND and escapes. ZACHARY beams down to chase him while the crew mourns CHRIS’S death. KARL URBAN Hey wait a minute, Benedict’s blood brought this dead Tribble back to life! ALICE EVE Did it also superglue the Tribble to your table? The ship lost all gravity and went all cyclone and the Tribble is exactly where you left it. KARL URBAN Oh hush. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO ZACHARY and BENEDICT fight on top of FLOATING ELEVATORS. ZACHARY QUINTO Neck pinch! BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH (ominously) Head-crush! BENEDICT kicks THE SNOT out of ZACHARY so ZOE has to beam down to RESCUE HIS SORRY ASS. ZOE SALDANA Trying to shoot a guy in the face while stopping the wind from blowing up your mini-skirt is not as easy as it sounds. ZACHARY QUINTO (while getting his face pounded) Zoe? What are you doing here? I had this handled! You're ruining my big moment! ZOE SALDANA It could be worse. I could be Gwyneth Paltrow with Heat Fu powers. (shoots at BENEDICT) BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH (ominously) A stun gun won't work on me, Zoe. Unlike 10 minutes ago when it did. ZACHARY QUINTO But it distracted you long enough for me to hit you with this metal brick! Take THAT Cumbersnatch! ZACHARY pummels THE FUCK out of BENEDICT. ZOE SALDANA Um, Zachary? We need him alive to save Chris, remember? ZACHARY QUINTO You mean none of the other 72 super human guys has magic blood? Just Benedict? ZOE SALDANA This plot point would have made way more sense if you had just blown up those 72 bad guys, you know. ZACHARY QUINTO Well do you mind if I pound Benedict's face a bit longer? We Vulcans so rarely get to go totally apeshit on humans. I find it incredibly relaxing. Please, sweetheart? ZOE SALDANA Well okay. Fuck him up, honey! ZACHARY stomps a MUD HOLE in BENEDICT’S ASS. INT. HOSPITAL PLACE CHRIS wakes up alive, instantly KILLING any emotional capital
capitol earned by his DEATH. KARL URBAN Welcome back, Chris. Looks like I’m going to go down in history as the man who cured death. For once I'LL be the one who's knee deep in space bitches. CHRIS PINE Great! This means we can bring back everybody who's died! Like Bruce Greenwood! ALICE EVE Or my dad Peter Weller! Right? KARL URBAN Well, no... CHRIS PINE And we'll just keep some of Benedict's blood on ice in case any of us dies on future missions, completely removing any sense of tension or danger! Fuck you Death! Yay! ZACHARY QUINTO Ugh. It's Season 2 of Heroes all over again. Meanwhile BENEDICT and his 72 CREW MEMBERS are put back into STORAGE instead of being EXECUTED for blowing up HALF OF SAN FRANCISCO because STARFLEET’S COLOSSAL FUCKING STUPIDITY knows NO BOUNDS. END